Every memory is a ghost and the house they haunt is you.
26 year old me is gone from the world, but echos of her remain. Whispering to me to remember what it feels like for the whole world to shift. For the center of my gravity to become this new, beautiful human I created.
The 23-year-old urging me to hold on to that feeling of love and elation. To carry it into all the years of my marriage.
The 17-year-old begging me to understand and let go.
I end this year with sadness― for all the people who have suffered from racial injustice; lost their homes to fires; lost their jobs; or lost loved ones to COVID-19. I end this year with fatigue― as I had to play the important roles of mother, teacher, wife, daughter, friend, manager, chef, and maid…all in a 24-hour period…7 days a week. I end it with a deeper recognition of my privilege and a personal challenge to change what I can and try to make the world a better and more equitable place. I look forward to the new year with strength, purpose, and hope.
But it ain’t easy. This year was hard. I didn’t do that bathroom remodel I planned to do. Or write that memoir. I survived. Plague, fires, recession, racial and political uprising… homeschooling! Existentially felt like the end of the world.
In 2020, we saw the worst of humanity. We witnessed systematic hatred, bigotry, incomprehensible violence, and a pandemic that led to an unfathomable number of deaths worldwide. But we also saw the best of humanity. We saw people jump into action to help those less fortunate. We saw people rise up; reinforcing their collective voices to drown out the darkness. Despite sheltering in place and mandated physical separation, we found ways to come together. Despite the hardships and atrocities we’ve seen or experienced this year, we’ve been forced to look within and discover gratitude for what we do have.
I’m grateful to have had more quality time with my kids and my husband. Seeing my children first struggle with their new virtual world, then thrive. Children are so adaptable. We can learn so much from their tenacity and resilience and I am grateful to have voyaged through this year by their tiny sides. I am grateful for the health and safety of my loved ones. I am grateful for my husband for being a trusted teammate, confidant, and constant companion; especially on the days where I really needed a laugh. I am grateful my home was saved from the unforgiving fires that tore their way through the Santa Cruz mountains; spared from the fire’s wrath by less than 3 miles. And I’m beyond grateful for the brave firefighters who risked their lives to save it. I’m grateful for a more flexible schedule. One that allowed me space to do more art with my kids or go for a midday run. I am grateful for my brilliant team at work. This year, I was able to really get to know them and virtually connect in the most fortuitously beautiful way. Seeing them thrive in the darkest times has helped me stay motivated. For me, gratitude has permeated the darkness.
No one could have predicted the unrelenting storm of this year. But we are adapting. We are surviving. And there is light at the end of the tunnel. Up in the hills of La Honda, there is a sea of bright, fresh green. And beyond into the Santa Cruz Mountains, there’s new redwood growth and breathing oak trees erupting through the charred woods. “In order to rise from its own ashes, a phoenix first must burn.” ― Octavia Butler, Parable of the Talents
Today, I would like to open up… bare it all… and share my honest, heartfelt thoughts on the current, tragic situation we’re facing in our country right now, after the deplorable, unnecessary murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Arbery (and countless more before that). I am broken and devastated. My heart aches for those who have suffered; for those who have not had the white privilege that I’ve had my whole life. But now is the time to talk about it. To get uncomfortable. To not be silent.
I am ashamed and disappointed in myself for not doing this work sooner. I took my white privilege for granted. Took for granted that I am not racist; because in my head, my heart, my soul, I am not. But the last few weeks and days have disturbed that comfortable belief. It’s not enough to not be racist. I need to be anti-racist. Silence is violence. And I (and all of us) can do better.
I always knew active racism was a problem. I’ve seen it in the news. Read about it. Hated it. It broke my heart. Since I was a kid, I’ve cried at seeing the racism and injustice of my friends and family. At seeing oppression. I always, “saw no colors” and didn’t understand why people were treated differently. It’s now time for me to educate myself better. And my children. Because there are colors. Because colors make us unique and beautiful. We NEED to see them. To ACKNOWLEDGE them. To UNDERSTAND them. To learn from each other. To stand up for each other.
My family and I went to Half Moon Bay yesterday to peacefully protest by the sea. I’ve been trying to explain the situation to my 3 and 8-year-olds for the last few days. It’s devastating and heartbreaking; but critically, fundamentally necessary. I asked my 8-year-old daughter, to make her own sign and think about what her message was. She decided, “Don’t hurt people.” PEOPLE. So innocent, true, and raw. We are all PEOPLE. The fact that systematic racism, oppression, and hatred is still happening is unacceptable. I want a better future for the black community. For my kids to grow up in. Don’t stop fighting. Don’t stop supporting each other. Don’t stop this discussion.
If you are white and benefit from it— and you are just as disgusted as I am— own it, listen, start with acknowledging that you may have blind spots, and look to understand what they are.
It’s time we up-level our tolerance for discomfort and do everything we can. We can do this; we can do this together. I hear you. I see you. I stand with you. I care.
I am putting together an action plan. For myself and my family. I’m committed to do more than just talk. I want to proactively take action. Because actions speak louder than words, and we must keep this going.
There are ton of great ideas, ways to invoke change, and places to donate in this great article, 75 Things White People Can Do to for Racial Justice— such as researching your local police department’s de-escalation & racial training and body cam policies and writing to your city or town government representative and police chief to advocate for it; and, calling or writing to your state legislators and governor to support state-wide criminal justice reform and for racial impact statements be required for all criminal justice bills. And there’s so much more to do. Stay educated. Lean in.
So much love to everyone in these crazy times. We’re in vastly different boats, but we’re all in the same storm.
I’m inspired to share some thoughts on how I’ve been feeling with everything that’s been going on in the world. It is definitely hard to concentrate some days with the uncertainty of what will happen hour to hour. Somedays it feels like the apocalypse is here and I’ve caught myself wandering the house humming “It’s the End of the World as we Know it” by R.E.M. But I am all about forward motion and momentum. I always try to keep my spirits high in the face of ambiguity and try to help people see potential in a new path forward. We are facing a new normal and we have to be flexible with each other. We are in this together. I’m incredibly proud of how people have been coming together at work, in my community, and in the world. As Mr. Rodgers said, when there are scary things in the news, always “…look for the helpers…you will always find people who are helping.” Seeing my team come together, and seeing people come together in the community, has been humbling. Here are some notes on what’s keeping me motivated, what I’m especially grateful for, and what’s weighing down on me during these unprecedented…
WHAT’S MOTIVATING ME RIGHT NOW
Personal: Seeing people come together to help each other has been encouraging and heartening. I just found out about a grass roots movement called Invisible Hands who are offering safe, free deliveries for the most at-risk community members facing COVID-19. I’m also offering to do grocery shopping for the 60+ and chronically ill in my community (or pay for delivery service). I’ve started buying gift cards and goods from small businesses, wineries, and restaurants to help support them when they are forced to close their doors. I hope to distribute some of these to the ER doctors who are on the front lines of all of this. I’m feeling incredibly grateful for everything I have and the ability to keep working through all of this, so I am getting a lot of joy from helping those who are not in the same position.
Work: My team is amazing. They inspire me everyday. The influx of requests for content around ways to use video in place of events, harnessing the power of Groups to build community, and messaging around how we’re managing in-stream ads with so many review site closures, has been intense. Yet my team has persevered. They are heroes. They are creating content that is going to help people stay connected and safe during these tenuous times. I’m also very motivated by the strong group of new hires that will be joining the team over the next few weeks/months. I’ve been laser focused on sourcing and interviewing candidates for the last several months and we’re finally at the final stages! These strong hires are going to bring some amazing experience and a fresh perspective to our team, and I feel super energized by that.
WHAT’S CAUSING ME STRESS
Although I’m trying to stay positive in the face of all of this uncertainty, there are a few things that are definitely causing me some anxiety…Having to homeschool my 2-year-old and 7-year-old WHILE working from home is something that’s making me lose sleep at night. We were told that school might be cancelled for the rest of the school year…that means I have to ensure my kids are getting the education they need through FALL (at least). That’s nearly 6 months, folks! My daughter is going to miss half of her 2nd grade experience. She loved her teacher and her school friends, so this is devastating. I’m trying to create a schedule to balance their curriculum and my work, but it’s not going to be easy. I had to take a VC call with my director and our VP in the midst of an overly tired two-year-old tantrum. My husband was at work— another thing causing me stress, since he owns his own “essential” business and still has to go out and maintain things during all of this— so I was all alone and could do nothing but hold him during the call. I’m grateful for leaders and cross-functional partners who are empathetic and understanding, but this is NOT going to be easy. (Apologies in advance to anyone I have meetings with over the next few months and thanks for your patience…
I’m also worried about the state of our country (and the world!) as a result of all of this. We are headed towards a recession of epic proportions and no one is really sure how it will affect the world economy. I’m scared for the people who are less fortunate than we are who are being laid off. I’m scared for the small businesses and restaurants I love going out of business. I’m scared for the kids that rely on school lunches to eat. Yet we will get through it. We are a resilient species, us humans. And again, we’re in this together, so I feel confident that we will come out of this stronger than ever.
WHAT I’M EXTRA GRATEFUL FOR RIGHT NOW (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)
My health and the health of my loved ones.
More time with my kids and husband. (Forced quality time for the win!)
Daily guitar solos from my 2-year-old son and concerts from my 7-year-old daughter.
Video conference calls with my friends and family.
Gardening and art projects with my daughter.
Fresh cut flowers from my garden— spring has sprung in La Honda and my yard is a sea of color.
My resilient team and the ability to work for such an amazing company that I believe in.
Fresh eggs from my chickens, which have turned into a form of currency in my tiny rural town.
Daily runs in the lush redwoods for much needed fresh air.
Hi, I'm Tanya. 